GETTING TO KNOW VD
VD and I met in early 2000 and we immediately became close
friends. Even though I hated and still
hate talking on the phone to this day, VD and I spoke on the phone every day
for hours at a time. We only lived 45
minutes apart but our work schedules were not compatible. I worked days and VD worked days as a
substitute teacher and evenings as a gymnastics coach. But not being able to see each other often
helped our friendship grow fast and grow strong.
In May of 2000, VD told me that he had strong feelings for
me and I told him that I felt the same way.
I was in the middle of looking for my first house to purchase and during
our talks on the phone, VD mentioned moving in with me as a roommate. This, I told him would change things, we would
need rules. I was scared of opening up
too much to VD. I just got out of a long
relationship where I lost everything. VD
and I first officially started dating on May 17, 2000.
In the summer of 2000, I bought my first house, a three bed,
two bath townhouse, and VD moved right in.
The rules did not last long. The
separation of funds went out the window pretty fast as did all the other little
rules I tried to set up to protect myself from getting hurt. I knew after a very short time that VD was
the one. He accepted me for who I was,
good and bad, and I him. Everything that
has happened in our lives led us to find each other. Everything happened for a reason. He has always made me laugh and I still to this
day find myself staring at him and smiling.
Enough with the mushiness.
THE CIVIL UNION
On December 3, 2000, I bought an engagement ring for VD
thinking that I would give it to him on Christmas. That day, December 3, 2000, VD arrived home
about 4:30pm and I lasted exactly 30 seconds before whipping the ring out,
getting on one knee, and asking him to marry me (or civil unionize me as the
case may be). Vermont became the first
state to begin performing civil unions, July, 2000.
In May of 2002, we decided to have a civil union in Vermont
and took the three hour drive to Danby, a quaint, small town with a population
of less than 1300 people. At the time,
Vermont was still the only state in the United States performing civil
unions. When it came to the thought of
same-sex marriage, we truly did not imagine that it would ever be a possibility
for us during our lifetime.
Our experience in Danby was anything but forgettable. When arriving at the town hall, we actually
stepped out onto wood planks like we were in the old west. Being that it rained the morning we were set
to have the civil union ceremony, the justice of the peace asked us to follow
him back to his house to have the ceremony performed there instead of doing it
on the back lawn of the town hall as planned.
We got in our car and followed the justice of the peace in
his pickup truck to his house. I noticed
that he had a bumper sticker which read, “My President is Charlton Heston”. No lie.
Charlton Heston was the President of the NRA at the time. He also had a large rifle hanging from his
back window. I was pretty sure we were
going to die.
His house was beautiful.
The justice of the peace performed our civil union ceremony on his back
porch and he seemed more nervous that we were.
After stepping over his words several times, he explained that this was
the first same-sex civil union he has performed. We all got through it somehow and we
celebrate our anniversary as May 17, 2002, exactly 2 years after we first
started dating.
The next day, we left beautiful Danby, VT as it was
snowing. Odd for mid-May, they received
3 inches of snow that day. We took it as
a blessing for us.
THE RECEPTION
After coming back home from Vermont, we casually let our
families know that we had a civil union ceremony thinking that they would think
of it as no big deal. Growing up gay,
both VD and I never wanted to stand out, we always pay special attention not to
show affection to each other in public, not to show too much affection to each
other around family, as we do not want others to feel uncomfortable. We want to be treated like everybody else. We did not think others would be interested
in us having a civil union ceremony.
We were dead wrong and our mothers let us know it. Family members and friends wanted us to now
have a reception.
The reception took a year to plan but finally took place on
May 17, 2003, exactly 3 years after we first started dating and exactly 1 year
after we had our civil union. What a
weird day that was with my family and VD’s family intermingling. It still gives my shivers.
It was an Asian themed reception. We had fortune cookies made with personalized
sayings put in them and being that I worked for a cigar company at the time, we
had cigars available with personalized wrappers. We had sayings printed for the cookies and
the cigars such as “Hope you had a gay old time” and “Gay day, 5/17/03”. As center pieces we had two Chinese lanterns
on each table. To win the center pieces
VD and I came up with a game where we would ask questions to people at the
table about us and whoever answered correctly could take them home. Putting the game together, VD and I learned a
lot about each other that we had in common.
For example, between me and VD, we were born 7 weeks apart, we have 7
brothers and sisters and we have 7 parents, all of our mothers were (at the
time) in medical, and all of our fathers were (at the time) in construction.
FLORIDA
In January of 2007, we left New York and moved to sunny High
Springs, Florida. Ah, the warmth! While we had our ups and downs, just like any
couple, everything seemed to happen for a reason. I got laid off but it allowed me the
opportunity to go back to college and get my MBA. By getting that MBA, I was offered a great position
in Jacksonville, Florida.
In January of 2013, we moved from High Springs to Jacksonville,
Florida and VD left his job, which he was already travelling an hour for each
day. Jacksonville is great and very
different from High Springs. High
Springs is a town of less than 3000 people where Jacksonville has 1.3 million
people! We live just a few miles from
the beach and there is shopping and restaurants, it is fantastic!
CURRENTLY
VD has now obtained his MBA but since we moved to
Jacksonville has not been able to land a job.
It is a sad state of affairs out there for job seekers. Being that VD is not recognized as my
partner, he is not covered under my health insurance. It would cost about $500 a month to get VD
health insurance of which he would not use.
We decided the cost outweighs the reward so VD does not have health
insurance. Now the new healthcare law is
coming where everyone needs to have health insurance. I first thought that VD would be covered
under subsidies being that he does not have any income but looking at the way
the laws were written, the qualifications go by household income, not
individual income. I make too much money
for VD to receive a dime in subsidies so he would need to pay for his own
health insurance fully or pay the penalties.
Even though I live and work in Florida, I am contracted
through a recruiting company out of Minnesota.
In August of 2013, Minnesota passed their same-sex marriage
act, the same time DOMA was struck down by the United States Supreme Court. I contacted the company I work for and
asked if VD would now be covered under my insurance. I let them know our history, how when we were
living in NY, we had a civil union in VT, now we live in FL, and work for them
in MN.
My company in MN got back to me after over a month and has
decided to follow the same rules as the Federal government which is to accept
any same-sex marriage that was held in any state legally recognizing same-sex
marriage. It does not matter where the
employee lives. If the employee was
married in a state that recognizes same-sex marriage, they will accept it, but
they will not accept civil unions.
MARRIAGE
OK. So the civil
union we had in 2002 means what? Apparently nothing. We need to get married. Getting married would not only allow VD to go
under my insurance in Minnesota, we would be able to potentially take advantage
of over 1100 federal tax incentives.
Right now, if one of us ended up in the hospital, the other could potentially
not even be allowed in the room and most likely not be allowed to make health
care decisions. Even with a health care
proxy, there are loopholes. Family
members could swoop in and fight the paperwork or sue for their parental or
familial rights. If we get married, this
all goes away. We would have taxation
rights, inheritance rights, visitation rights, decision making rights, access
to family health coverage, the list goes on and on, not to mention that we
would be showing people that we are, in fact, equal to opposite-sex couples. The only thing I would have to worry about is
VD pulling that hospital plug too fast.
There are currently, as of September, 2013, 13 states that
allow same-sex marriage, and the District of Columbia. We first looked at Vermont thinking that
maybe we can just turn our civil union into a marriage certificate. Nope, two totally different things. OK, where is the closest, cheapest place we
can go to do this marriage thing?
Washington, D.C. Stop. Three day waiting period between applying for
a marriage certificate and having the wedding ceremony. As a matter of fact, everywhere we looked was
this 3 day waiting period, which had to be done in person, except New
York. NY has a 24 hour waiting
period. I would rather take as little
time off of work as possible so 24 hours is much better than 3 days for me, NY
it is.
Now, where in NY? Living 20 minutes from New Paltz, I always
liked the little college town with the antique shops. I think New Paltz would be great. In early 2004, New Paltz, NY and its mayor, Jason
West, who was 26 when he was elected in 2003, made national waves. On February 27, 2004,
West drew national attention to New Paltz when he announced that he would be
performing same-sex marriages. On the
first day he performed 24 such ceremonies. On March 2, he was charged with 19 misdemeanor
counts of "solemnizing marriages without a license" by Ulster County
District Attorney Donald Williams. According to Williams, West was not charged
for all 25 ceremonies because police only witnessed 19 of them. VD and I kept being asked during this time if
we were going to go to New Paltz to have Mayor West marry us but we always said
no, we do not want to be in the spotlight and none of these “marriages” were
actually legal in the eyes of NY State anyway.
On June 10, 2004 New
Paltz Town Court Justice Jonathan Katz dismissed the charges against Mayor
West, ruling that the district attorney had failed to show that the state had a
legitimate interest in preventing the marriages, or that the law under which
West was charged was constitutional.
West lost his bid
for a second four-year term on May 1, 2007 but was reelected as Mayor of New
Paltz on May 3, 2011. Now guess who is
officiating over our wedding? You
guessed it, Jason West!
So, 13 years
after meeting, 12 years after proposing, 11 years after leaving NY to go to VT
to have a civil union, 10 years after having our reception, 9 years after
watching Jason West perform unofficial same-sex marriage ceremonies 20 minutes
away from home, 6 years after moving out of NY, and after living in 7 houses
together in 2 states, we are going back to NY to get married by that same mayor
in that same town, only this time it will be officially recognized. Life is odd.
EXTRA
The thing that pisses me off is that we have to spend money
on the airfare, money on the car rental, money of the hotel, money on food,
gas, etc., to go out of state to get married to get the same protections that opposite-sex
couples can get at any courthouse or church down the street. We have to spend potentially thousands of
dollars, take time off of work, time away from our home, family, and pets, and
go to a state that discriminates less against us to get standard federal
protections. What is wrong with this
picture? We should be able to charge the
State of Florida the wedding costs we incur as these costs are due to their
discrimination and ignorance.
DS
September 12, 2013
